found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
