He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
