Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
