Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
