I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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