what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
