it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
