do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
