I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
