My friends, they love my intelligence
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
