We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
