so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
