i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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