girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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