he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
