Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
