Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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