Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
