you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i believe in u and ur pee
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
