Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
