I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
