We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
