I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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