If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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