I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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