Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just had sex on a roof
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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