I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
