So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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