I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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