dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
