Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
