Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dicks are not precious.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
