too bad you live with your parents still
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
