I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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