theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
