I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
