just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
