My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
