Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
