But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
