I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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