i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
