It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
