You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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