Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
