in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
