see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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