He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
