Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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