ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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