eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
