I smell stomach acid.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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