Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
